“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”- Benjamin Franklin Apologies are one of the most basic yet complicated, fundamental forms of communication. We often find that people would rather over-explain their actions, try to rationalize their feelings with excuses, or avoid the subject entirely when faced with an opportunity to apologize for something they […]
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”- Benjamin Franklin
Apologies are one of the most basic yet complicated, fundamental forms of communication. We often find that people would rather over-explain their actions, try to rationalize their feelings with excuses, or avoid the subject entirely when faced with an opportunity to apologize for something they did wrong. Guilt and blame can be complicated feelings to encounter; however, leaving an apology out of an intense conversation can cause further conflict or detachment.
Andy Molinski of The Harvard Business Review mentions four types of ineffective apologies.
Example: “I’m sorry, I guess, won’t happen again. Let’s move on, please.”
Example: “I’m so, so sorry for being late for the meeting! It won’t happen again, is there anything I can do? It won’t happen again; I’m so sorry!”
Example: “I’m sorry that this happened”
Example: “This was not my fault!”
Blueprints for Productive and Meaningful Apologies
Amy Morin of Forbes Magazine quantifies six critical components of building an apology.
It is imperative to listen and be present in a situation where you may find yourself apologizing for something you may have said or done to hurt or offend another person. Try to avoid distractions, including resorting to looking at your phone or changing the subject. Avoidance can be interpreted as disregard or lack of compassion.
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable”- Brene Brown.
It is challenging to communicate how we feel in moments of conflict by not verbalizing genuine feelings or possibly even our unmet needs. An apology can come naturally by pausing, reframing the situation, identifying emotions, and viewing the problem from the other person’s perspective. Blame often derives from shame, which can lead to frequent denials of accountability or failure to apologize.
Courage Over Combat
Compromise is often found in realizing when you have wronged someone, followed by an act of admission and the invocation of making it up to the person who was wronged. Emotions can become stubborn barriers that repel us from pursuing courage. Becoming defensive when we feel challenged can deter us from making things right.
Consider the timing of your notion to apologize. We need time to process specific arguments and discrepancies to reduce the voice of impulsive emotions. Reevaluate the situation, consider possible compromises that can help achieve a meaningful agreement. Give the other person a chance to speak, and be sure to listen attentively. Be sincere and mean what you say.
I’m sorry….BUT
Justifying your side of an argument is an unnecessary and combative way of avoidance in apologies. It lacks accountability and sends a message to the other person that being right matters more than acknowledging how they feel. An apology should not be used as a tool to stifle opposition.
Allow Yourself to Feel
Apologizing takes a tremendous amount of vulnerability, courage, and honesty. Being honest with yourself and noticing where you may have been wrong requires a sense of seeing a situation from the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, it takes time to emotionally remove yourself from a problem and consider other people’s feelings.
Helpful Tips
https://hbr.org/2016/11/the-4-types-of-ineffective-apologies
By: Mike Giannino
