“Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate”- Aland D. Wolfelt Consider this scenario: You have been dating a person for a considerable amount of time and decide to move in together. The chemistry is strong, you’re both happy, but you find that every day, you’re ordering out. Your partner eats a certain […]
“Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate”- Aland D. Wolfelt
Consider this scenario: You have been dating a person for a considerable amount of time and decide to move in together. The chemistry is strong, you’re both happy, but you find that every day, you’re ordering out. Your partner eats a certain way, and you have your own culinary preferences. You are never sure what to cook for each other and are nervous about disappointing your partner. Resorting to sushi or Chipotle becomes unaffordable when you’re placing orders through food delivery apps every day for dinner. The expenses add up and it leads to arguments.
Have you ever been in this situation?
Sharing a living space can be stressful and trusting your partner with access to your dietary needs and cravings can be difficult. According to Angela Sadlier at SWNS Digital, the average couple argues 156 times per year over what food to order. When couples spend an abundance of time arguing 3 times per week, it can impact the rest of their relationship and hinder their romantic connection.
Preventing Food Fights
When thinking about a resolve to these issues, consider the following:
1. Use empathy
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. If your partner works long hours or experiences a lot of stress at work, it is crucial to empathize by using verbal and nonverbal communication skills. Consider primary emotions, which can often be masked with anger or frustration when having serious conversations about food choices. Practice speaking with a neutral tone and remove blame from the emotional menu. Validating your partner’s thoughts and feelings builds a greater platform for problem solving.
2. Provide validation and express appreciation
Positive affirmations and acknowledgment of your partners strengths and efforts can speak volumes. Be sure to compliment more often than criticize, especially if you notice your partner putting a lot of effort into planning a date night or preparing a meal. Listen attentively and take note when your partner mentions a new cuisine that they would like to try. Ask questions about their day and express interest in their lives outside of home while you are preparing meals together. Be mindful that validating does not equal agreeing with your partner, but it more importantly shows concern, care, and interest in their feelings. Show them that you genuinely understand through acknowledgment.
3. Communicate assertively by using I statements
Constructing an I statement is a skill used to communicate your honest feelings in a nonaggressive manner. This provides the listener with a broader understanding of your wants and needs. The speaker takes accountability for their own feelings rather than blaming the other person. The Workbook Managing Our Anger Managing Our Lives does a great job explaining how to use I Statements. Refer to image below:
4. Set boundaries
Fear of conflict is a common reason that people have a difficult time setting boundaries, however, having clear and reasonable boundaries can help resolve many issues between partners. Naturally, different people have different food preferences. Perhaps you or your partner find yourselves ordering Chinese takeout on multiple occasions throughout the week because you are afraid of arguing over what to cook for dinner. If you or your partner find that there are an abundance of differences that cause conflict, it could be helpful to exercise setting boundaries. This could be done by creating a grocery list, setting a limit on the amount of times to order out during the week, and budgeting for each of you to have an equal amount of money for your own foods. Always take the opportunity to respect boundaries by abiding by the agreement.
5. Compromise
Open yourself up to meeting halfway with your partner on disagreements. Creating a plan that allows both of you to share a comfortable dining experience can be executive through constructing a food calendar for the week. Plan each day by considering finances, food preferences, and health. This can be done on a weekly basis to ensure that meals are sufficient and not repetitive. Both of you should be able to make your cake and eat it too! Create a list of foods that you both enjoy and hang it with a magnet on your refrigerator as a reminder.
Many times, arguments between partners derive from unmet needs, or feeling a lack of consideration. It is imperative to make your partner feel appreciated and valued to maintain a healthy bond. To have a conversation about a plan to create a balanced, enjoyable food plan for the week can be a valuable learning experience that can sweeten the relationship. Don’t be afraid to spice things up! Make an objective to try new types of foods with your partner and perhaps find new enjoyable things that satisfy both of you.
A healthy bonding experience could also include meal prepping for the week, which could also reduce the time it takes to prepare meals. Delegating roles in the kitchen could potentially help a couple become the perfect blend. Be sure to compliment your partner when they are helpful or have an appetizing idea.
Sadlier also states “It takes the average couple 17 minutes of deliberation to finally make a decision where dinner is coming from but 16% will take 30 minutes or more.” Deciding which food to prepare or order could become a recipe for disaster if it escalates to an argument. Luckily, there are plenty of smartphone apps that assist in the decision-making process. Mealtime, Make My Plate, Plan to Eat, and PlateJoy are a few incredibly helpful apps that suggest customizable meal plans that you can personalize to your diet. They also allow you to exclude any foods that you dislike or are unable to have. Always try to be considerate of your other person’s favorites and reserve a day once per month to treat them to something special.
Don’t Let Your Relationship Spoil
It is often overlooked how impactful food can be in a relationship. However, it is one of the most important things that make us feel valued, respected, cared for, and satisfied. Food can create comfort and bring together a home.
A tip that I would like to share, especially for individuals who prepare food for their significant other for the week who may be working during dinner hours. Express love and admiration in other ways to show that you care. Sometimes, even a small gesture, such as ordering food to send to their job or including a note expressing love and gratitude on a napkin could show that little bit of care that could go a long way.
Lifestyle adjustments require patience, accommodation, enjoyment, trust, and consideration. Learning this aspect of love is a sure way to add the right seasonings to your relationship.
By Mike Giannino
Blame and game – two words that should never be joined together. The truth is, the blame game is no fun to play and there are never any winners. And, perhaps, the biggest loser of all is the one who is doing all the blaming. When we blame others, we lose our power. Remaining stuck […]
Blame and game – two words that should never be joined together. The truth is, the blame game is no fun to play and there are never any winners. And, perhaps, the biggest loser of all is the one who is doing all the blaming. When we blame others, we lose our power. Remaining stuck in our feelings of anger, resentment or abandonment only hurts us, not the other person. They eventually move on while we continue our lives feeling mad at the entire world!
If you’ve been playing the blame game, here are a few reasons why you need to stop:
Blaming Takes Our Attention from Personal Growth
When we’re busy blaming others for our woes and tribulations, we pay little attention to our own behaviors and how they may have contributed to the “wrong” that was done to us. Spending our time thinking of others in such a negative way does not allow for any time to personally reflect and take stock in who we are and how we have moved through our life so far.
When you stop playing the blame game, you give yourself the time and space to grow as a person.
Your Reality Becomes Distorted
Living life as a victim means living in a distorted reality, and that is crippling. When you exist in a perpetual state of blame, your thought patterns become a jumbled mess, you may even develop sleep issues.
The result is your world becomes distorted and your ability to think, reason, and interact with others is negatively impacted. All of this rage has to go somewhere, and, though you don’t mean to, you begin directing it at friends and family members who have done nothing wrong.
If not dealt with, the blame game ultimately leads to isolation when your most important relationships are destroyed.
We Lose Our Freedom
Personal freedom is key to a happy life. We all want to be free to do what we want for a living, love who we want, live where we want and vacation when we want. But what many don’t realize is that playing the blame game takes away personal freedom.
Blame is a master and we are its slave. IT calls the shots, not us. IT tells us we must be miserable and resentful and angry all of the time. IT tells us to be tired and stressed and hopeless.
When we stop playing the blame game, we free ourselves from the chains that bind us and keep us from pursuing the life we want.
The key takeaway here is this: Blame is like sugar: you may think it tastes delicious and love the high you get, but ultimately it ruins your health and makes you very sick. A therapist can help you with any blame issues you may have to move your life forward.
If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.
A lot of couples who come for therapy usually cite frustration with their partner as one of the major issues they face. This frustration usually stems from unmet expectations. Expectations play a huge role in relationship satisfaction. Couples who are frustrated say things like ‘You weren’t very supportive of me when I quit my job […]
A lot of couples who come for therapy usually cite frustration with their partner as one of the major issues they face. This frustration usually stems from unmet expectations.
Expectations play a huge role in relationship satisfaction. Couples who are frustrated say things like ‘You weren’t very supportive of me when I quit my job to freelance’ or ‘You didn’t plan any special activity for our anniversary’. Constant frustration can lead to resentment and create an unhappy relationship.
Here are some practical tips to help you reduce frustration towards your partner.
1. Communicate – You need to inform your partner of your expectations ahead of time because they can’t read your mind. If you want them to text you more often, or take you on more dates, tell them why it is important to you.
2. Manage your expectations – Beyond the basic things that are necessary for a happy relationship, decide what’s really important to you and let go of some frivolous things. Remember that your happiness is directly related to your level of expectations. No expectations, no disappointment.
3. Appreciate – Be grateful for everything that your partner does for you. Appreciate your similarities and differences, and your gratitude will help you unlock a whole new level of love, passion and satisfaction in your relationship.
4. Don’t keep score – Keeping a mental scorecard of what your partner does or doesn’t do based on your expectations will only cause hurt and frustration. Kill your mental scorecard and remember that if they aren’t aware of your expectations, they can’t possibly live up to them.
5. Accept your partner – Acceptance is key. Love your partner for who they are, not who you imagine them to be. Accepting your partner’s differences and peculiarities, makes them feel safe and respected. Judgement, however, causes them to feel blamed and become defensive.
6. Understand your partner – Understanding your partner’s personality and motivations could help you be less frustrated when they don’t meet expectations. For example, if they hate sports they’re probably not going to take the initiative to buy you tickets to see your favorite team play unless you’ve told them how important it is to you. Rather than keeping score, aim to understand your partner’s way of seeing the world.
7. Learn to calm yourself – Controlling your emotions and response when your expectations aren’t met can be the difference between a happy relationship and an unhappy one that’s bound to end. This means you need to take out time to settle and soothe yourself before talking to your partner about it.
Decide what expectations are important to you, and communicate them to your partner properly. If you are able to accept and appreciate your differences, then you still have a shot at having a loving and fulfilling relationship.
I can help you resolve frustration and anger in your marriage or relationship. If you would like marriage counseling or relationship counseling, please contact me.
One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is communication. When both partners understand how to communicate properly, they feel loved, connected and secure. But when effective communication is lacking, both people can become defensive, and the relationship can be mired down in distrust, misunderstanding and resentments. When couples are hitting rock bottom, […]
One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is communication. When both partners understand how to communicate properly, they feel loved, connected and secure. But when effective communication is lacking, both people can become defensive, and the relationship can be mired down in distrust, misunderstanding and resentments.
When couples are hitting rock bottom, it’s important they relearn critical communication skills, primarily how to listen to their partner.
If you find you and your partner are struggling in understanding each other, below are three essential listening skills that can help improve your communication.
To validate your partner means to understand what they are saying and feeling from their point of view. This does not mean you have to agree with them. It simply means you can see their point.
When responding to something they said, you can validate them by saying something like, “That makes sense because…” or “I can see how you might think or feel…”
You may not always understand your partner’s point of view. In these instances, it’s helpful to ask for more information in a way that is positive and inviting, not negative or defensive. This could sound like “Can you tell me more about…” instead of “I don’t understand what you mean.”
This exercise will require you to reflect or “mirror” everything your partner is saying in their own words. Yes, it can feel a bit awkward at first, but it is an incredibly effective technique.
When you repeat what your partner has said, you may start your response with something like, “I hear you saying…” or “It sounds like what you’re saying is…”
By starting off with this type of language, it allows you to slow down, process what your partner is saying, and can make the entire exercise feel more comfortable.
The longer you practice this skill, the more you will actually hear what your partner says and understand how they feel.
The final step to hearing your partner is recognizing the emotions they are experiencing in the moment. This will require you go deeper than thoughts and head into the vulnerable territory of feelings. You will want to use phrases like, “It sounds like you were feeling really upset when….” Or “I can imagine you felt hurt…”
Empathizing is extremely important because it shows your partner that how they feel matters to you.
Though it will take some time to get the hang of these new listening skills, the effort is worth it. And remember, when your partner practices these same skills, you will feel equally loved and respected!
Some couples may find they need a bit of help from a neutral third party. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for each partner to practice these listening skills. A trained therapist will be able to guide you and offer advice and adjustments.
If you and your partner are interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.
