“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”- Benjamin Franklin Apologies are one of the most basic yet complicated, fundamental forms of communication. We often find that people would rather over-explain their actions, try to rationalize their feelings with excuses, or avoid the subject entirely when faced with an opportunity to apologize for something they […]
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”- Benjamin Franklin
Apologies are one of the most basic yet complicated, fundamental forms of communication. We often find that people would rather over-explain their actions, try to rationalize their feelings with excuses, or avoid the subject entirely when faced with an opportunity to apologize for something they did wrong. Guilt and blame can be complicated feelings to encounter; however, leaving an apology out of an intense conversation can cause further conflict or detachment.
Andy Molinski of The Harvard Business Review mentions four types of ineffective apologies.
Example: “I’m sorry, I guess, won’t happen again. Let’s move on, please.”
Example: “I’m so, so sorry for being late for the meeting! It won’t happen again, is there anything I can do? It won’t happen again; I’m so sorry!”
Example: “I’m sorry that this happened”
Example: “This was not my fault!”
Blueprints for Productive and Meaningful Apologies
Amy Morin of Forbes Magazine quantifies six critical components of building an apology.
It is imperative to listen and be present in a situation where you may find yourself apologizing for something you may have said or done to hurt or offend another person. Try to avoid distractions, including resorting to looking at your phone or changing the subject. Avoidance can be interpreted as disregard or lack of compassion.
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable”- Brene Brown.
It is challenging to communicate how we feel in moments of conflict by not verbalizing genuine feelings or possibly even our unmet needs. An apology can come naturally by pausing, reframing the situation, identifying emotions, and viewing the problem from the other person’s perspective. Blame often derives from shame, which can lead to frequent denials of accountability or failure to apologize.
Courage Over Combat
Compromise is often found in realizing when you have wronged someone, followed by an act of admission and the invocation of making it up to the person who was wronged. Emotions can become stubborn barriers that repel us from pursuing courage. Becoming defensive when we feel challenged can deter us from making things right.
Consider the timing of your notion to apologize. We need time to process specific arguments and discrepancies to reduce the voice of impulsive emotions. Reevaluate the situation, consider possible compromises that can help achieve a meaningful agreement. Give the other person a chance to speak, and be sure to listen attentively. Be sincere and mean what you say.
I’m sorry….BUT
Justifying your side of an argument is an unnecessary and combative way of avoidance in apologies. It lacks accountability and sends a message to the other person that being right matters more than acknowledging how they feel. An apology should not be used as a tool to stifle opposition.
Allow Yourself to Feel
Apologizing takes a tremendous amount of vulnerability, courage, and honesty. Being honest with yourself and noticing where you may have been wrong requires a sense of seeing a situation from the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, it takes time to emotionally remove yourself from a problem and consider other people’s feelings.
Helpful Tips
https://hbr.org/2016/11/the-4-types-of-ineffective-apologies
By: Mike Giannino
“Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate”- Aland D. Wolfelt Consider this scenario: You have been dating a person for a considerable amount of time and decide to move in together. The chemistry is strong, you’re both happy, but you find that every day, you’re ordering out. Your partner eats a certain […]
“Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate”- Aland D. Wolfelt
Consider this scenario: You have been dating a person for a considerable amount of time and decide to move in together. The chemistry is strong, you’re both happy, but you find that every day, you’re ordering out. Your partner eats a certain way, and you have your own culinary preferences. You are never sure what to cook for each other and are nervous about disappointing your partner. Resorting to sushi or Chipotle becomes unaffordable when you’re placing orders through food delivery apps every day for dinner. The expenses add up and it leads to arguments.
Have you ever been in this situation?
Sharing a living space can be stressful and trusting your partner with access to your dietary needs and cravings can be difficult. According to Angela Sadlier at SWNS Digital, the average couple argues 156 times per year over what food to order. When couples spend an abundance of time arguing 3 times per week, it can impact the rest of their relationship and hinder their romantic connection.
Preventing Food Fights
When thinking about a resolve to these issues, consider the following:
1. Use empathy
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. If your partner works long hours or experiences a lot of stress at work, it is crucial to empathize by using verbal and nonverbal communication skills. Consider primary emotions, which can often be masked with anger or frustration when having serious conversations about food choices. Practice speaking with a neutral tone and remove blame from the emotional menu. Validating your partner’s thoughts and feelings builds a greater platform for problem solving.
2. Provide validation and express appreciation
Positive affirmations and acknowledgment of your partners strengths and efforts can speak volumes. Be sure to compliment more often than criticize, especially if you notice your partner putting a lot of effort into planning a date night or preparing a meal. Listen attentively and take note when your partner mentions a new cuisine that they would like to try. Ask questions about their day and express interest in their lives outside of home while you are preparing meals together. Be mindful that validating does not equal agreeing with your partner, but it more importantly shows concern, care, and interest in their feelings. Show them that you genuinely understand through acknowledgment.
3. Communicate assertively by using I statements
Constructing an I statement is a skill used to communicate your honest feelings in a nonaggressive manner. This provides the listener with a broader understanding of your wants and needs. The speaker takes accountability for their own feelings rather than blaming the other person. The Workbook Managing Our Anger Managing Our Lives does a great job explaining how to use I Statements. Refer to image below:
4. Set boundaries
Fear of conflict is a common reason that people have a difficult time setting boundaries, however, having clear and reasonable boundaries can help resolve many issues between partners. Naturally, different people have different food preferences. Perhaps you or your partner find yourselves ordering Chinese takeout on multiple occasions throughout the week because you are afraid of arguing over what to cook for dinner. If you or your partner find that there are an abundance of differences that cause conflict, it could be helpful to exercise setting boundaries. This could be done by creating a grocery list, setting a limit on the amount of times to order out during the week, and budgeting for each of you to have an equal amount of money for your own foods. Always take the opportunity to respect boundaries by abiding by the agreement.
5. Compromise
Open yourself up to meeting halfway with your partner on disagreements. Creating a plan that allows both of you to share a comfortable dining experience can be executive through constructing a food calendar for the week. Plan each day by considering finances, food preferences, and health. This can be done on a weekly basis to ensure that meals are sufficient and not repetitive. Both of you should be able to make your cake and eat it too! Create a list of foods that you both enjoy and hang it with a magnet on your refrigerator as a reminder.
Many times, arguments between partners derive from unmet needs, or feeling a lack of consideration. It is imperative to make your partner feel appreciated and valued to maintain a healthy bond. To have a conversation about a plan to create a balanced, enjoyable food plan for the week can be a valuable learning experience that can sweeten the relationship. Don’t be afraid to spice things up! Make an objective to try new types of foods with your partner and perhaps find new enjoyable things that satisfy both of you.
A healthy bonding experience could also include meal prepping for the week, which could also reduce the time it takes to prepare meals. Delegating roles in the kitchen could potentially help a couple become the perfect blend. Be sure to compliment your partner when they are helpful or have an appetizing idea.
Sadlier also states “It takes the average couple 17 minutes of deliberation to finally make a decision where dinner is coming from but 16% will take 30 minutes or more.” Deciding which food to prepare or order could become a recipe for disaster if it escalates to an argument. Luckily, there are plenty of smartphone apps that assist in the decision-making process. Mealtime, Make My Plate, Plan to Eat, and PlateJoy are a few incredibly helpful apps that suggest customizable meal plans that you can personalize to your diet. They also allow you to exclude any foods that you dislike or are unable to have. Always try to be considerate of your other person’s favorites and reserve a day once per month to treat them to something special.
Don’t Let Your Relationship Spoil
It is often overlooked how impactful food can be in a relationship. However, it is one of the most important things that make us feel valued, respected, cared for, and satisfied. Food can create comfort and bring together a home.
A tip that I would like to share, especially for individuals who prepare food for their significant other for the week who may be working during dinner hours. Express love and admiration in other ways to show that you care. Sometimes, even a small gesture, such as ordering food to send to their job or including a note expressing love and gratitude on a napkin could show that little bit of care that could go a long way.
Lifestyle adjustments require patience, accommodation, enjoyment, trust, and consideration. Learning this aspect of love is a sure way to add the right seasonings to your relationship.
By Mike Giannino
For some people, working from home is a normal routine. This is, after all, the gig economy, and many people have been freelancing, making a living from their home office for many years now. But for others, working from home is a completely new phenomenon brought about by the global pandemic. For this second group […]
For some people, working from home is a normal routine. This is, after all, the gig economy, and many people have been freelancing, making a living from their home office for many years now. But for others, working from home is a completely new phenomenon brought about by the global pandemic.
For this second group of people, working from home has completely changed their day-to-day lives, and many have found their overall health has taken a toll. With lockdowns and social distancing still mandated in many areas of the country, it’s a good idea to discuss some things you can do to stay healthy while you continue to work from home:
We’ve all heard the stories of people admitting they aren’t showering as often and are staying in their PJs all day. While this was fun and novel at the beginning of the pandemic, allowing this to continue can negatively impact your mental and physical health.
It’s important to keep a daily routine. This means setting an alarm, showering, dressing, etc.
You may not even realize how much more you used to move around at your office or place of work. The office kitchen and bathroom were probably farther away, and you took breaks just to chat with coworkers. It’s important that you get up from time to time and move around at home as well.
It will be FAR TOO EASY to put on weight when working from home unless you make sure to get rid of most junk food and instead, stock up on healthy food and snacks.
Not everyone is cut out for working from home as it can be isolating. If you’re used to being around a lot of people and are feeling lonely, be sure to check in with friends and coworkers throughout the day.
None of us really know when life will return to normal. If you are forced to work from home at this time, be sure to follow these tips so you can stay healthy!
SOURCES:
It has been almost a year since the world changed with the Covid-19 virus. After months and months of being locked down, many families are experiencing burnout from being forced to be home together so much. While the vaccines are being rolled out, we are still getting mixed reports and messages from the media as […]
It has been almost a year since the world changed with the Covid-19 virus. After months and months of being locked down, many families are experiencing burnout from being forced to be home together so much.
While the vaccines are being rolled out, we are still getting mixed reports and messages from the media as to when life might return to normal. Some schools have opened, but many have not, and parents are still scrambling to figure out how to make a living while homeschooling their children.
All of this has caused many families to feel fatigued and a real strain on their relationships.
Over the past year, many families have taken necessary measures to ensure they remain physically healthy during this time. Making healthy meals (instead of ordering pizza 3 nights a week) and getting the family involved in regular exercise has been a big help. But how can parents ensure they and their children protect their mental health at this time?
Family therapy offers each member of your family a safe space to discuss any issues they may be having. A trained therapist can guide your family, helping all of you to understand and utilize the healthiest communication strategies. He or she can also help to validate your feelings and offer helpful stress management techniques.
And, for anyone concerned with the safety of visiting a therapist in person during this time, family therapy can be just as effective when received through telehealth, or online therapy.
If you and your family are struggling right now and would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
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According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 9% of American adults live with depression. It’s also worth mentioning that a major depressive episode is the leading cause of disability for Americans between the ages of 15 and 44. Antidepressants are commonly prescribed to treat people with moderate or severe depression. And while […]
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 9% of American adults live with depression. It’s also worth mentioning that a major depressive episode is the leading cause of disability for Americans between the ages of 15 and 44.
Antidepressants are commonly prescribed to treat people with moderate or severe depression. And while these drugs do offer some relief, they often come with some pretty nasty side effects such as:
That’s quite a list.
The obvious problem is these side effects can make someone who is depressed feel even worse. But there is some good news.
Studies on exercise and depression are conclusive: Not only does exercise treat depression, it can also prevent it. In fact, researchers from Duke University found exercise to be as effective as medicine.
Exercise not only increases blood flow to the brain, it also releases endorphins, which are the body’s own natural antidepressants. Exercise also releases other neurotransmitters, like serotonin, which lift mood.
The really good news is, it only takes moderate exercise three times a week to reap the antidepressant benefits. You don’t have to train for a marathon or a triathlon to feel better. Here are a few exercise ideas to get you started:
Take your dog(s) for a half hour walk around the neighborhood. Not only will your body release endorphins but your dog’s health will also benefit from routine exercise.
Family bike rides are a great way to bond and get a good workout at the same time. If the weather doesn’t permit outdoor biking, a stationary bike is a good investment.
Swimming is one of the absolute best total body exercises. As a bonus, the steady movements through water also has a naturally calming effect.
Grab a few friends and/or colleagues on your lunch break and go for a half hour walk.
Exercise doesn’t have to be hard or complicated. Whatever form you like, commit to doing that at least three times a week and see if you don’t start to feel better.
You may also want to speak with a therapist, who can help you navigate your emotions and offer tools for coping. If you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
For many, childhood is the most wondrous and exciting time in a person’s life. But even when a child is growing in a loving and stable family environment, they can feel fear and anxiety. Think back on your childhood. Everything new was something to be not-so-sure of. It was easy to feel a bit anxious […]
For many, childhood is the most wondrous and exciting time in a person’s life. But even when a child is growing in a loving and stable family environment, they can feel fear and anxiety.
Think back on your childhood. Everything new was something to be not-so-sure of. It was easy to feel a bit anxious on the first day of school or meeting someone for the first time. A child often feels anxious at bedtime, having to go to the doctor or dentist, or on their first day of summer camp.
When children experience anxiety, they may run away, become very quiet, scream, shake, act silly, cling or have a tantrum to avoid the stressful situation. You may have tried to talk with your child and reason with them in these moments. But this generally doesn’t work.
Brain research suggests that it is extremely difficult for young children to think logically or control their behavior in these anxious moments. They are experiencing real fear and the fight/flight/freeze mode that accompanies it.
Here are 3 science-based ways parents can help their children manage their anxiety so they may regain a sense of safety.
The vagus nerve is located on both sides of the voice box. Studies have shown that stimulating it can interrupt the fight/flight/freeze mode and send a signal to your child’s brain that he or she is not under attack.
Some easy ways to help your child stimulate this nerve are:
Like adults, when children are anxious they tend to take rapid shallow breaths from the chest. Taking slower, deeper breaths from the abdomen sends a signal to their brain that they are safe and can relax.
Older children may be able to follow you as you show them slow breathing exercises. For younger children, there are some playful ways to get them to slow down and control their breathing. You can have them blow bubbles, blow into a pinwheel, imagine your fingers are birthday candles and have them slowly blow them out, teach them to whistle and simply see if they can hold their breath for three seconds as if they were swimming.
Research also suggests that humor can significantly reduce anxiety. Humor has a way of distracting, relaxing muscles and releasing endorphins that combat stress and anxiety.
Try silly knock-knock jokes or word games like “I went on a picnic.” A quick internet search will result in a ton of corny jokes that your youngster will most likely love, so print some out and have them on hand.
Anxiety is a part of life, but if you use these three techniques, you can help your child manage theirs. If you think your child could benefit from speaking to someone, please feel free to be in touch. I’d be more than happy to discuss treatment options.
We live in a society that values things that appear perfect. And I suppose there are things that can be perfect. Architects can draw the perfect straight line, mathematicians can solve an equation with a perfect calculation, and a chocolate cake can be perfectly moist. But as human beings, we can never reach a state […]
We live in a society that values things that appear perfect. And I suppose there are things that can be perfect. Architects can draw the perfect straight line, mathematicians can solve an equation with a perfect calculation, and a chocolate cake can be perfectly moist.
But as human beings, we can never reach a state of perfection because we will always be a work in progress. Perfection indicates a finality – a finished product – but we as humans are always growing and changing.
Many people view perfectionism as a positive attribute. They believe the more “perfect” they are, the more success they will have in life.
Perfectionism is NOT the same thing as always doing your best. It is important that we always do our best. By doing so, we can experience healthy achievements and growth. But perfectionism takes this concept to the extreme.
People with perfectionist tendencies often have self-defeating thoughts and/or behaviors that actually make it HARDER to achieve their goals. Perfectionism also can make the individual feel stress, anxiety, and depression.
Most human beings, from time to time, will strive for perfectionism in some aspect of their life. As an example, that “perfectly moist chocolate cake” I mentioned earlier got that way because the person who baked it was trying to get everything JUST RIGHT as a gift for someone’s birthday.
But there are those people who are “full-time” perfectionists. They strive for perfection in all aspects of their life.
Here are some signs you may be a perfectionist:
Again, perfectionism is not the same thing as doing your best. It is a condition whereby the individual is almost incapable of feeling joy or pride at what they accomplish because in their own minds, they are never quite good enough.
If you believe you may have traits of perfectionism and it is causing you stress, there are things you can do to change your behavior so you can live a healthier and happier life.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.
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If you suffer from anxiety, you know that awful feeling when heart races, you start to sweat, and you feel like you just want to run. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental illness in the United States, affecting roughly 40 million adults. While […]
If you suffer from anxiety, you know that awful feeling when heart races, you start to sweat, and you feel like you just want to run. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental illness in the United States, affecting roughly 40 million adults. While anxiety can feel debilitating, there are ways you can manage it.
When we feel anxious, our breathing becomes quicker and shallower. This way of breathing, in turn, makes us feel even more anxious. It’s a vicious cycle.
When you feel the anxiety start to come on, start to focus on your breath and begin to slow it down. Breathe in slowly and deeply for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, then exhale slowly for a count of 4. Repeat this cycle three to five times until you feel yourself begin to calm.
Drinking or eating anything with caffeine in it can exacerbate your anxiety. Studies have even shown that caffeine can trigger an anxiety attack, so try and avoid or greatly limit consumption.
Studies have shown that just 20 minutes of exercise can reduce symptoms of anxiety. Not only does exercising make you feel good about yourself, it actually floods your body with feel-good endorphins, which can totally turn your mood around.
One of the worst parts of feeling anxiety is the feeling that you are out of control. One simple exercise to turn this around is to make a to-do list of small, easy-to-manage tasks. Crossing these tasks off your list will actually empower you and make you feel in control again.
When the plane of a nervous flyer hits turbulence, that nervous flyer must remind themselves that the plane is okay, and it is just a normal occurrence to hit turbulence. People who experience anxiety may also have to remind themselves that they are actually okay when an anxiety attack comes on. Simply tell yourself that you are experiencing anxiety but that you are, basically, okay, you are not going to die.
It can also be very beneficial to talk to someone about your anxiety issues. A therapist will be able to offer more tools and advice on how to cope and manage your anxiety.
If you or someone you love suffers from anxiety and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
When talking about depression, a lot of people forget that depression is an illness that requires proper attention and treatment. If you’re depressed, it can be incredibly frustrating to hear things like “Just get over it”, “You’re being really dramatic”, “You have to be strong”, “Learn to deal with it”, “Happiness is a choice”. You […]
When talking about depression, a lot of people forget that depression is an illness that requires proper attention and treatment. If you’re depressed, it can be incredibly frustrating to hear things like “Just get over it”, “You’re being really dramatic”, “You have to be strong”, “Learn to deal with it”, “Happiness is a choice”. You might start to think of things like ‘Why can’t I just get over it’? We can stop ourselves from doing destructive things like putting our hand in a fire, but when it comes to depression, it’s a bit difficult to just ‘stop’. There are a number of reasons why ‘get over it’ statements like this don’t help. Here are some of the best reasons why.
Depression is real and painful. Just because you can’t see or touch it doesn’t make it any less real. If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, working with a therapist is a good start to overcoming your depression. I am available to help. Contact me to book a therapy session.
Many of us continue to try and make sense of this new world we live in – one in which the novel coronavirus dictates much of our daily routine. Some states are still mandating social distancing and wearing of masks. And many people are still out of work or working remotely for the unforeseeable future. […]
Many of us continue to try and make sense of this new world we live in – one in which the novel coronavirus dictates much of our daily routine. Some states are still mandating social distancing and wearing of masks. And many people are still out of work or working remotely for the unforeseeable future.
This quarantine has certainly made life more difficult in many ways. One of those ways is making it difficult for some people to continue to get the mental therapy they need. Luckily, more and more therapists are offering their services through telehealth (telemedicine).
This means you can still receive your one-on-one or group therapy support via online therapy sessions.
Many people who are used to face-to-face therapy may be wondering if telehealth or online therapy is an effective form of therapy. Very much so. Both face-to-face and telehealth therapy operate from the same guiding principle, so you can be sure you will receive the same level of service through the internet as you would face-to-face.
There are actually many pros to online therapy. So much so that when this pandemic is behind us, we are apt to see many people continue to receive care via digital channels.
Online therapy is incredibly convenient. You can get the help you need from the comfort of your own home. This means you don’t have to spend money on gas or deal with traffic to get to your support group.
There is also a heightened sense of privacy when choosing to receive mental health services online. You don’t have to worry about someone seeing you walk into a therapist’s office.
And finally, you may find that since you and your therapist are meeting online, you can do so at times that are more convenient for you. This means nights and weekends may become available should your support group decide to go the online route.
You will want to be sure to check with your insurance provider to see if they cover telehealth services. Many do, and more are hopping on the telehealth bandwagon, but there are still some companies that may not, so ask first.
If you are looking for telehealth support group therapy, please get in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
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